Short Stories I


Author: Patricia Hefner ( )

Not Necessarily the News has learned that certain evil aliens on Uranus are cranking up their UFO's for an attack on Wireland. It was reported on the Uranus Planetary News that Wireland was beset with internal disputes and might be too divided to defend itself against hostile invaders. The aliens have threatened to steal Wireland's lemon supply and take over the country's lemonade factories, which would be disastrous as lemonade is the national drink of Wireland. Several UFO's will be launched, and landed in dark places around the country's lemon orchards sometime tomorrow, according to reports from the Uranus Planetary News. After making off with all of the lemons, the aliens will confiscate machinery from the lemonade factory, and the divided workforce will be in no shape to defend their workplace. The lemons will be placed on one UFO and the machinery from the factory on another. The aliens also plan major burglaries at Mirrorball Popmart, where they will steal all of the store's merchandise and put it on a third UFO. After these activities are accomplished the UFO's will leave and take their precious cargo back to Uranus. The Wireland Police Unit is currently involved in the disputes wracking Wireland and reportedly its officers are not united enough to work with the Extraterrestrial Police in preventing these disasters. The Commander of the Venus Headquarters of Extraterrestrial is exasperated at the chaos he's run into contacting the Wireland Police. "Wirelalnd is going to get ripped off big time", he told Not Necessarily the News. "We'd hate for this to happen to them. They're good people, but this dispute has really gone too far for us to do anything about it". In a show of unity, many Wirelings have contact the Venus headquarters and offered to help their officers fight the aliens. "There's still time to stop these invaders", says the Commander. "But they've got to stop their civil war fast. They need a peace treaty. We think most Wirelings would support a good treaty. So, we're sending in mediators, and hopefully we can stop those jerks from Uranus from invading their country". Not Necessarily the News has learned that members of the Wireling Police Unit and the Ministry for Public Safety have already drafted a peace treaty which will be published in the newspapers tomorrow morning. They call on all Wirelings to support the treaty to discourage the aliens from Uranus. We call on all concerned citizens of our fair country to give this treaty immediate support. Together we can help the Extraterrestrial Police and each other in holding off the invaders from Uranus. Personally, I hope the invaders get so discouraged at our unity that they decide it's not worth it to fly three UFO's all the way from Uranus.

Author: Patricia Hefner ( )

Not Necessarily the News has learned that both the Uranus and Saturn Planetary News Networks are reporting that more strife may be lurking in Wireland, and the aliens are planning an invasion possibly as soon as Thursday. This is a far more dangerous threat than the threat from the Uranians two weeks ago, who only have three UFO's and twenty crew people. This was the first broadcast on the troubles in Wireland on Saturn, and it has been learned that there are twelve UFO's on Saturn with seventy crew people able to use them for the purposes of thievery and kidnapping. The Commander of the Saturn UFO Force is far more clever than his rather klutzy Uranian counterpart. According to reports from the Saturn Planetary News their UFO's can abscond with Wireland's lemon supplies, the machinery from all six of its lemonade factories, and all of the merchandise from Mirrorball PopMart, including its CD players, DVD's, turn-tables, VCR's, and television sets. Worst of all, they also plan to steal all of the gold from its ZooTV Bank, something the Uranians, with their limited cargo space, are unable to accommodate. They also plan to steal all of the tapes, CD's, and videos from the ZooTV television and radio stations, which, of course, are the only stations in Wireland. This would effectively knock these networks off of the air. Responding to these reports, the friendly aliens of Venus plan to arrive in Wireland Wednesday to begin negotiations with the feuding Wirelings. "This has got to be stopped", says the Commander of the Venus Planetary Police Force. "Venus can't afford to let these jerks from Saturn to succeed. Heck, we're all U2 fans! What would we do after work, listen to the Backstreet Boys? No, we're not going to do that. I'd rather go take a walk in Dragon Park. That place makes Jurassic Park look earthling zoo, if you'll pardon the pun". Currently many Wirelings are in contact with the Venus Police Force and are making arrangements for the peace talks which are scheduled to begin on Wednesday. We feel that it is important to convince the aliens from Saturn that we are too united for them to go to all of the trouble to bring twelve UFO's from Saturn. We believe in the powers that be, but they can't overpower us. Let's show them!


Author: Laura Hutchinson ( )

Bono just oozed out of my disk drive for no apparent reason. He walked over to my plate and started eating my dinner. I figured well, hell, he's only about 5 inches tall, so it's not like he can eat all of my food, not like he can eat ANY significant amount of my food. He had enough and asked me if anybody else was around. I told him I saw Shirley Manson go by awhile ago, so why don't you go entertain her? I'm taking this plate downstairs to put it in the dishwasher. I came back upstairs to my computer table to find a piece of Kleenex sitting on the table. Good, I have a cold.

I hear a small noise. The Edge clambers grumpily out of my printer, snatches up the kleenex to reveal Bono and Shirley, stomps back to the printer with his Kleenex, curls up and goes back to sleep in it. Now he's warm and happy. And now I know why my printer's been misbehaving. I open it up to find the Edge, curled up asleep wrapped in a Kleenex, all cute and stuff. He took a liking to my printer a few days ago, I guess he really likes it cuz it's dark and quiet in there, he doesn't have to worry about Bono. Sorry man, I have to use that printer. There's lots of cozy little places to hide. He asks if he can use my computer. I find something better to do while he types e-mail. He's so little he has to hop around on the keys...


Author: Laura Hutchinson ( )

MacPhisto lives in my math binder and helps me with my work. Hehe. Actually, he lives on my binder, under the plastic sleeve on the outside. He stands on a billiard ball and grins evilly.

More proof that Bono can and will sleep anywhere. This morning I found Bono curled up and sleeping in an empty wine glass. My question is, how did he get there? And why is there a wine glass on my dresser anyway?

'[lokku7htferdwaqqqqqsdxcv b mmm,.,";

The Edge just walked across my keyboard. Geez, he just loves my printer. He likes it in there for some reason.
("Edge, could you get out of my printer?")
See, our house has a major infestation of pocket sized rock stars.
You actually get used to it after awhile.
Well, sometimes they get a little irritating.
Especially when they get in the way of things!
("Cuz I have the cat on my side")
This morning I woke up and my hair was in all these little braids.
("So what? I'm bigger than the cat, and you aren't!")
I wonder who did that.
(Bono, you're immediately the prime suspect.)
("So? I can bite.")
("No, you can't.")

OUCH! Damnit you evil little leprechaun!


AAHH!!! I have a tiny gold Bono demon flying around my head. Since when do you fly?!?!?! And since when do you talk that fast? Or even move that fast?
"I'm filling in for my nephew, the Fly. He's sick today."
(I hear a tiny cough coming from somewhere) Aren't I supposed to have an angel or something next to my other ear?
"Ehhh... (he smiles and twiddles his fingers as his eyes dart around) No.
:::long silence:::
Will you be my friend?"
Go bug the governer why don't you? He's a Bush just like the former pres, they're even related... Now, go you!
"Oh you're much more interesting."
So now he's sitting on top of my monitor staring at me.


Haha, he fell off the monitor and landed on the keyboard. He limps away pissedly and decides to go hang out in the printer, Just because I don't want him there. The Edge lets out a yelp as Macphisto joins him in watching beer and drinking football, Ergh. Ok, just had to say that. You know what I mean. HEY! Since when is there a TV and beer in my printer?!

Oh, clever. He printed out a pic of a TV and stuck it on the inside wall. Hey man! No beer in the printer! That's a rule, cuz I don't want the printer to get screwed up.